a summation.

Yesterday in art history we were learning about early Roman Republic art, and how they shifted from the "ideal" of Greek art and propaganda, to showing their leaders as more "real". Instead of idealized youthful faces they portrayed their leaders as they actually were, their sculpture shows wrinkles, scars, etc. This idea stuck with me: You are a summation of your experiences.

I found this in my journal, I wrote it last summer. I tend to be obsessed with this idea that everything bad that has ever happened to me has gotten me to where I am, that I have to give credit to those bad things as well as the good things. Don't read too much into it, and if you're going to judge please just stop reading now.

Still here? Okay, here you go, take a peek inside my soul:

I am a product of separation. A direct result of kind souls and people who weren't afraid to do what they had to do; or people who were afraid - but did it anyways. I am a product of races won, scholarships granted, and dreams achieved. I am also the result of failure thrust upon and reality recognized. I am the child of harsh words and actions, of tears, of "toughen up". I'm a mixture of compassion, of girls' camp, of strawberry jam and EFY. I am the epitome of reluctance, hesitation, and regret. Of words read and listened to. Of sentences written. Of smiles directed at no where in particular.

big brothers

Nothing means more to a girl than the words of her big brother, she will remember them forever. She will remember them when she feels all alone and needs something to hold on to, when you're hundreds of miles away and can't be there to reassure her. I know this because I am a little sister, trust me.

If you have a little sister, tell her she's beautiful, spend time with her, tell her how wonderful she is and how any guy would be lucky to have her, make sure she knows you'll always be there for her, tell her you love her.
When she comes crying to you give her a hug and tell her everything will be okay, because you believe she is strong, and it will.

who I am

"I am not a singer, runner, or guitar player. I am a daughter of God who just happens to do these things. The more I grow, the more I find there is no inherent worth in a scale or a mirror. As I am kind to myself and seek to draw nearer to the Lord, the answer is slowly becoming clearer: The inherent worth is in me.

 I am His pearl."


I found this quote here. 


beautiful.


It is interesting to think about how we present ourselves to the world. If you ask me to tell you who I am I admit I would jump to this:
I am a runner, a rock climber, a student, a guitar player, a writer, an oregonian, a music lover, a star wars fan, etc.


What I fail to mention is more me than any of that stuff:
I am a caring, loyal, understanding, beautiful, funny, loving, daughter of God.

Fear

Not being afraid is hard. I am afraid of so many things, but the funny thing is that I am afraid for no reason at all, every time I have done something I was afraid of it turned out okay. Actually most of the time, more than okay. I think fear is a tool that the adversary uses to hold us back.
In mission prep class we talked about how important it is to not tell ourselves we can't. Brother Bott encouraged us to review our "mental tapes" (what we tell ourselves, how we see ourselves) and to quit sabotaging ourselves. I've realized I tell myself to be afraid. A lot of times I have no reason for being afraid, or completely ridiculous reasons, but I listen to myself rather than logic, or people who love me. I just have to tell myself not to be afraid, because it IS going to be okay. I worry so much about what might go wrong, that I keep myself from anything that might go right.
It is going to be okay.

rebellion and the quest for glue sticks.

Last night Zoe and I had rebellion night! In which we rebelled from childhood restrictions (namely, watching movies I wasn't allowed to watch as a child), social construct (namely, we acted weird), accepted fashion (we wore ugly clothes), oh, we also listened to Nirvana, and wore tanktops and leggings (only in my room!) which really isn't rebellion at all, but hey, we have limits you know.

In the middle of the festivities we got interrupted by my dire need for glue for my program the next day (because a certain building which is supposed to be stocked with glue for our use, was not) so at midnight thirty we set off on our quest, and made it a point to hit every dorm building before curfew at 1:30. This was the social construct part, if you didn't catch on to that.

Then we finished our movie and sang really loudly and badly.
So that was fun.

I worry, I weigh 3 times my body

Today I read about my Chinese zodiac sign. I am the year of the monkey. It said, easily discouraged and confused. Story of my life! I get so so confused.

that was the real you saying, "maybe I'm not too young to be a cowboy"

hey brother, we're all learning to love again.